Idealogian

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Disease has struck another cruise ship and passengers are understandably upset:

When one passenger reached for a croissant one morning, his wife said, a crew member slapped his hand with a pair of tongs. He was told that the passengers could not touch the food.

"It was like being in a prison," said another passenger, Barbara Evans, as she left the ship yesterday at Pier 92 near West 52nd Street in Manhattan. "They were treating us like pariahs on that ship."

Indeed, a perusal of the official Rikers Island Prisoner's Handbook reveals some striking similarities, excerpted below:

II.A.3 Prisoners shall not touch the breakfast croissants with their hands. Violation of this rule will result in a temporary suspension of pancake, French freedom toast and waffle privileges, with the length of the suspension to be determined by the warden.

III.E.7 Prisoners shall not "hog" the shuffleboard, even if they have "called it."

VI.C.12 Martinis and other light drinks are limited to two (2) per prisoner per evening.

IX.F.5 Prisoners in solitary confinement shall have no massage visitations, but shall be recompensed upon their release therefrom. If the prisoner has missed more than three (3) daily massages, he shall be entitled to an extended massage with scented oils.

XII.B.8 Never, under any circumstances, shall prisoners urinate in the pool.
XII.B.9 And no splashing either.